Gaseous Anomalies

I am not sure if this is because of the gender-based classes that we have right now or if it is just the age group, but it seems as if passing gas is the activity of choice lately.

I admit that the public display of flatulence is really humorous, but when does it lose its appeal? I mean, we all do it and have participated in the act with embarrassing consequences. When is it enough?! That being said, here are some situations that have made me laugh recently and through the years.

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The Inadvertent Offender

The most frequent occurrence seems to be when a student thinks they can just squeak one out and no one will notice. This is also the student that does not pay attention in science class and, therefore, doesn't understand what last night's burrito binge has created in his intestines while he slept. I am sure there is no malice on the part of the student, just the need to relieve the pressure and discomfort down below. In spite of intentions, this exercise rarely ends as quietly or odorlessly as originally intended.

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The Chain Reaction (aka: Mutually Assured Destruction)

Once the first shot is fired, you risk the escalation into an all-out cheese-cutting conflict. It is as if the other boys have had their fledgling manhood questioned, and they must produce their own sample of natural gas to save any reputation that they have. This rise in production is hard to stop once it gets rolling, but I have found two tactics that have brought results in the past.

Plan A - Make them sit there and smell their own creations until they become so sick of themselves that they call a ceasefire to the hostilities. The trick for the teacher is finding a clean air zone in a corner of the room because it may get worse before it gets better.

Plan B - Remind the boys that there are girls in the building, and if those girls ever connect the burning in their noses with those boys' faces, then they can kiss their dating opportunities goodbye!

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The Cropduster!

I am convinced that this next perpetrator is trying out for a career in the CIA. This student usually starts his devious plans with something innocent looking, like walking across the room to get a tissue or to throw away a piece of paper, but little do we know, an evil scheme is being set in motion as he weaves his way across the room, dusting the air with noxious fumes designed to disrupt the basic functions of the brain. I am sure that he was proud of his ninja- like skill in silently bringing about the death and destruction of so many, but did you have to chose my class to show off?!

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The Biochemical Warrior

This incident happened in the first years of my teaching. The kids had returned from lunch and were settling down to do their assignment when a boy came rushing to my desk, asking to go to the bathroom. As I prepared a speech about using his time wisely and taking care of these things on his time, the wind current he created en-route to my desk caught up with him. It was as if a green fog descended around me, tainting all available oxygen molecules with the stench of toxic death. I maintained a professional face, didn't gag or cough, and let the young man go, all the while thinking, "Did you have to wait until the absolute last minute to ask?".

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That last story taught me to be a little more discerning when it comes to granting students a pass to the bathroom. You may run into problems if you constantly answer requests for the restroom pass with a "No!".

My suggestion.... look at the eyes! It has been said that eyes are the window into someone's soul, but the same can be said for their intestines. So... if there is a twinkle in their eye while asking, the chances are high that you will be safe in denying the request. They are probably just bored and looking for an excuse to leave the room. However, if their eyes resemble the wide-eyed, wild nature of a cornered animal, by all means let them go! For if you don't, it will end badly for all involved!

-Mr. F