Story Time...

Just a few stories and conversations from years past...

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We were a year or so into the adoption process. I would start the year be announcing that my wife and I were trying to adopt a boy and that I may have to take some time off to travel. The students would ask questions ranging from why, to how much adopting costs, and what made us choose Guatemala in looking for a son. I was always happy to answer their questions and share that part of my life.

Now, the only thing that matches a 7th grader's curiosity is their forgetfulness. It was a few months later when one of the boys wanted to know where I was adopting from, but before I could answer a girl across the aisle tried to help and confidently said, "He is adopting from Gonorrhea." I froze! Some kids in the class started snickering, and I gave them my best "teacher look" to get them to stop. I quietly corrected her and, thankfully, class continued without incident, but I did have to wonder where a middle school had heard that before!

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Each year some of the staff play a co-ed basketball game against the 8th grade teams. This is one of the few times a year that I participate in organized sports. A few weeks before the game, the teachers start "practicing" after school a couple of times a week. This is mainly so that some of us don't look like total fools come game time.

During this particular practice, a couple of former students were playing with us. Now let me remind you, I am tall (6'8"), but there is not much talent to back it up! Toward the end of practice, as I was getting tired, I went forward to press one of the kids. I don't remember if the ball went behind his back or between his legs, but I ended up on my butt as he blew by me. All I could do was laugh when the boy scored; he came back over to me with a smile on his face, and said, "Mr. Farnham, you tall for nothin!"

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The first day of school is usually spent going over the student handbook and basic school rules. I typically cover the sections on discipline procedures and the dress code. The discipline section is pretty straight forward, but the topic of dress code can be tricky with the gender-based classes that we currently have in my building. I basically have the task of trying to discuss fashion and looks to a room full of teenage girls without sounding creepy.

Luckily for me, my school district cleared up a lot of the language in the dress code section, and it no longer concerns itself with students expressing their individuality (i.e. hair color or piercings). However, keeping their underwear and cleavage covered is still required. This is no big deal when talking to the guys, but it can be awkward when discussing with the girls.

To solve this potentially unpleasant topic, I try to keep things light and humorous. The last time I gave this speech, things were going well, and I finished putting the handbook wording into "7th grade language" for the girls and said, "So ladies, be sure to keep your shirts and tops pulled up because none of us in here are interested in knowing what God has given you." Just as I finished, I saw a rather petite girl at the front of the room squeezing her upper arms towards her chest, looking down, and saying sadly, "I don't have any cleavage." She and the rest of the class started to giggle and I had to turn away to keep from laughing.

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What can I say? It is never boring working in a middle school. :)

-Mr. F

Hallway Favorites

Whether I admit it in front of a class or not, as a teacher I have favorites. There are always going to be those students that mesh better with my personality or just have a unique view on life that is fun to be around. This post isn't about them....

I was thinking the other day about a different kind of favorite. I am talking about the student that you have never had in class, yet you still find them entertaining and engaging to be around. You may only see them in the hallway or during the lunch period. You may only get to talk to them for a few minutes at a time, but they are just as enjoyable as a student that you have in your classroom for weeks or months!

Thinking about it even more makes me realize that this type of student relationship is harder to come by than the inside the classroom relationship. I realize now that this "outside" student relationship actually gets its start with the students inside the classroom. How else does the "stranger" student get to know you except through the comments and perceptions of the kids in your classroom?

In essence, it's all about reputation! Do my students think I am a stuck up snob, a short-fused yeller, a lovable nerd, or any other combinations? As I considered this idea of favorites even more, I began to comprehend the fact that relationships are less about the things I say and more to do with how I make students feel! I can talk a big game, but if I am not careful about my tone of voice, volume, or even body language, then all I say will count for nothing!

Actually, the idea can be applied to the world at large as well. How easy is it to talk big to your colleagues, Sunday school class, or family? Stop talking about being different or being better! Start talking to and treating people better.

Seriously, when is a better time than now?

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As for my "outside-of-the-classroom" favorite, I call her Hallway Barbie. While she was in my grade level, I continually saw her with a hall pass going somewhere during class. It got so bad that I told her someone should make a doll based on her, but instead of accessories like earrings or purses, they should give her a full set of hall passes to carry!

At the beginning of the next year, Hallway Barbie had to deal with the loss of a family member. This is something that no child should have to go through and reminded me that sometimes academics have to take a back seat to life issues for a short time.

While other teachers may have seen a trouble maker (and she could be a handful sometimes). I saw a kid that was just trying to have fun and to survive the day-to-day life of middle school. She didn't always make the best decisions, and now that I think about it, a few of our conversations that year were while she was sitting in the office! Hopefully, I gave her someone to talk to without being judgmental.

That's the thing about kids. They are way smarter than they act sometimes. Hallway Barbie didn't need anyone telling her she messed up over and over. She already knew. She, like most students, has her whole life ahead of her and occasionally just needed to be reminded that she was better than the choices and mistakes she made. Kids have the benefit of youth and are better prepared to bounce back from their poor choices, but only if the adults let them move on with life. So.....

Dear Hallway Barbie,

I hope you are enjoying life and things are going well. You are a smart, talented, and beautiful person. I hope you have been learning from your past choices and becoming even better because of it.

And remember, when dealing with drama... step around, not in it! ;)

Mr. F

Gaseous Anomalies

I am not sure if this is because of the gender-based classes that we have right now or if it is just the age group, but it seems as if passing gas is the activity of choice lately.

I admit that the public display of flatulence is really humorous, but when does it lose its appeal? I mean, we all do it and have participated in the act with embarrassing consequences. When is it enough?! That being said, here are some situations that have made me laugh recently and through the years.

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The Inadvertent Offender

The most frequent occurrence seems to be when a student thinks they can just squeak one out and no one will notice. This is also the student that does not pay attention in science class and, therefore, doesn't understand what last night's burrito binge has created in his intestines while he slept. I am sure there is no malice on the part of the student, just the need to relieve the pressure and discomfort down below. In spite of intentions, this exercise rarely ends as quietly or odorlessly as originally intended.

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The Chain Reaction (aka: Mutually Assured Destruction)

Once the first shot is fired, you risk the escalation into an all-out cheese-cutting conflict. It is as if the other boys have had their fledgling manhood questioned, and they must produce their own sample of natural gas to save any reputation that they have. This rise in production is hard to stop once it gets rolling, but I have found two tactics that have brought results in the past.

Plan A - Make them sit there and smell their own creations until they become so sick of themselves that they call a ceasefire to the hostilities. The trick for the teacher is finding a clean air zone in a corner of the room because it may get worse before it gets better.

Plan B - Remind the boys that there are girls in the building, and if those girls ever connect the burning in their noses with those boys' faces, then they can kiss their dating opportunities goodbye!

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The Cropduster!

I am convinced that this next perpetrator is trying out for a career in the CIA. This student usually starts his devious plans with something innocent looking, like walking across the room to get a tissue or to throw away a piece of paper, but little do we know, an evil scheme is being set in motion as he weaves his way across the room, dusting the air with noxious fumes designed to disrupt the basic functions of the brain. I am sure that he was proud of his ninja- like skill in silently bringing about the death and destruction of so many, but did you have to chose my class to show off?!

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The Biochemical Warrior

This incident happened in the first years of my teaching. The kids had returned from lunch and were settling down to do their assignment when a boy came rushing to my desk, asking to go to the bathroom. As I prepared a speech about using his time wisely and taking care of these things on his time, the wind current he created en-route to my desk caught up with him. It was as if a green fog descended around me, tainting all available oxygen molecules with the stench of toxic death. I maintained a professional face, didn't gag or cough, and let the young man go, all the while thinking, "Did you have to wait until the absolute last minute to ask?".

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That last story taught me to be a little more discerning when it comes to granting students a pass to the bathroom. You may run into problems if you constantly answer requests for the restroom pass with a "No!".

My suggestion.... look at the eyes! It has been said that eyes are the window into someone's soul, but the same can be said for their intestines. So... if there is a twinkle in their eye while asking, the chances are high that you will be safe in denying the request. They are probably just bored and looking for an excuse to leave the room. However, if their eyes resemble the wide-eyed, wild nature of a cornered animal, by all means let them go! For if you don't, it will end badly for all involved!

-Mr. F

Battlefield Promotion

Sarcasm.... it is a touchy subject in the education world.

Officially, the use of sarcasm is frowned upon in the classroom. I mean... we MUST be concerned with their fragile ego and self-esteem. (Yes, that was sarcastic! I couldn't help myself.) I have heard a few reasonable and academic arguments for not using this particular technique, but I always liked the way Relient K (awesome band, FYI) describes the power of words in their song,Bite My Tongue.

I've never broken bones
With a stone or a stick
But I've conjured up a phrase
That can cut to the quick

On the other hand, I truly believe that sarcasm is the native language of most teenagers, and if you are going to live your life firmly entrenched inside another culture, you may as well speak the language. When in Rome.... :)

That being said, it is rare that the tables are turned against me and I am forced to fight off an attack with a weapon from my own arsenal.

Me - **walking around the room, supervising students, and doing other such teacher-y things**

boy - **looking up, contemplating my verticalness** "You're tall!"

Me - "Thank you, Captain Obvious!"

boy - "You're welcome, Lieutenant Sarcasm!"

It was in that moment that I knew I had been bested and could only walk away denying him the satisfaction of seeing me smile.

You may have have won the battle kid, but the war is MINE!!!

-Mr. F

Head Games

I was surveying my kingdom as the advisory period was coming to an end when I noticed two boys lazily staring into space. All of sudden a conversation breaks out.

Student A - "I hit my head on the toilet seat this morning."

Student B - **stares. mouth open in disbelief. (...or was it confusion)**

Student A - "Yeah, I was just sitting there. I reached for something and when I sat up... BAM!!!" **chuckles quietly to himself**

Two thoughts crossed my mind.

#1 How exactly does that happen? Were you stretching while taking care of your business and BAM? ....Or did a slightly loose toilet seat go BAM over your head as you tried to pick up your lost property?

#2 Why in the name of God would you admit this in public?

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On the way to the buses a boy tried to convert me to his new favorite hobby.

"Mr. Farnham, close your eyes and shake your head really fast. It will make you dizzy and lose your balance."

As excited as that sounded I had to decline the offer. :)

-Mr. F