Respect AND Relationship

So it seems that teachers are getting the concepts of respect and relationship in the classroom a little confused. Through numerous conversations and observations, it appears to me that many educators either assume that they are the same thing, or believe that, if they have respect, then a relationship will automatically grow.

It is my opinion that respect and relationship are different and manifest themselves differently in the classroom. I am NOT saying they do not influence each other, and I DO believe that certain levels of each are required to run a productive, memorable classroom, but before we can make our classrooms better, educators need to admit the difference and understand the two.

Let's start with respect. ("giving attention, hold in special regard")
This can be seen when the class "looks up" to the teacher. They pay attention when it is required and students generally do what has been asked of them. This level of respect from students is usually developed by one of two methods, demanding it or earning it. More often than not I hear the "demanding it" method (i.e."because I am the teacher") being used, but I personally prefer the "earning it" method. I know students should automatically respect me as a teacher, but how hard is it to humble myself and take a little bit of time earning their respect from time to time? It beats demanding it, not getting it, and then spending another school year whining about those disrespectful kids!

On to relationship. ("connecting, binding")
This is the more of intangible aspect of the classroom, and can be best expressed as a feeling that the teacher and student have toward each other while working in the classroom. Think back to some of your past, successful relationships (professional and personal). I am sure that, more than the things you did, it was how you felt being with them and when time came to part company, you felt better for having known them. This is how our students should feel about us!

I believe a decent standard for understanding and growing student relationships is the Golden Rule. Do you like being yelled at or being made to look dumb in front of your friends? Then don't do it to your students! If it would hurt your feelings, then more than likely it is the same for them. How many of you like to hear words of praise or feel important in your job? If so then why not set up ways of fostering those feelings in your students?

A quick example on the difference between respect and relationship. I have respect for the 60+ members of faculty and staff in my building, but I don't have a relationship with all of them. This means that, while I respect their professional abilities to do their jobs, I probably won't be asking them for favors any time soon. I just don't know them in that way. While this is fine for an adult, professional relationship, I don't believe it is the way to run a classroom.

I really do believe that respect and relationship BOTH have important roles to play in our classrooms and by failing to cultivate both we are ultimately setting up our time to be less effective than it could be. For a successful classroom environment, it really is about getting that perfect mixture of respect and relationship!

So, are you doing your best to promote respect AND relationship among your students?

Boys Will Be Boys?!

Wait.... No need to click the back button! You are in the right place. I know the book cover to the left may seem a little weird for a middle school teacher blog, but I promise it will make sense in a minute.

A common phrase I hear muttered by female teachers is "those boys!" As in, those boys are loud/active/disrespectful/gaseous(!). Regrettably, these situations are usually handled with an overbearing attitude or a raised voice from the teacher. I think a lot of these unfortunate incidents could be avoided with a little more understanding between the genders.

Let me tell you a not so well-kept secret... men are simple! Now before the laughter gets out of control, I don't mean "simple" intellectually. I am talking about what makes us tick and keeps us happy. Here is a quote from the first chapter of the book.

"[M]en are simple creatures who come from a woman, are nurtured and brought up by a woman, and yearn for the continued love, admiration and approval of a woman. . . Women need to better appreciate the magnitude of their power and influence over men, and not misuse or abuse it."

One universal concept in the book is that what all men (And aren't the boys in our classes just men in the making?) really need are the three A's: attention, affection, and affirmation. Speaking as a man myself, I couldn't agree more!

Now I know the teacher/student relationship is different from that of husband and wife, but couldn't the three A's also be applied in the classroom?

--A boy that is not receiving attention will seek it by any means possible. This often shows itself through classroom disruptions. After all, negative attention is still attention!
--On the subject of affection, I am not necessarily advocating the physical variety. (I don't want to see any of you as the lead story on the evening news!) However, our affection for the young men in our classroom can be easily shown through our body language and our tone voice. It is hard to convince someone that you care for them when you are scowling their way. Perhaps teachers should spend some time in front of a mirror practicing their smile! :)
--As for affirmation, who doesn't like to hear from others about the good job they are doing? Teachers should work on being more open with their uplifting words and encouragement. Maybe that "unmotivated" boy in class has quit only because no one has taken the time to remind him that he is capable of doing a good job in academics and behavior.

Sooo... the next time you are having problems with "those boys," maybe you can take a step back and evaluate how you are fulfilling their needs for the three A's in your classroom.

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PS - This really is a great book for married or engaged couples, and it probably wouldn't hurt for single people to read it as well. My wife and I found it early in our marriage, and it has been a good foundation for communication and understanding. You can order it from Amazon.com by clicking HERE.